if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't judge me šš¼ his dick just whispers my name
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I canāt believe the first text Iām sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, thereās still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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