he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
