He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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