I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
