More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
