he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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