I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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