she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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