I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
