My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
