He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
