So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
