i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
