I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
