I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize