I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
