i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
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