hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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