life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
