Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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