Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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