Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
