Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
