Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my being single is dangerous.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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