I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
