So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
