Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
either way he was missing a nipple.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize