Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
