i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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