i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
