It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
