Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
