WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize