Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
