And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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