hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
As shirtless as possible
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
