Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
