Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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