I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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