I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so let's talk penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
