Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
