Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
