if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
