omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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