Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(619): View more from California

I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh

Fav 54 1267 5573
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(859): View more from Kentucky

Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?

Fav 8 3405 1046
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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

Fav 8 2078 3318
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(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

Fav 22 4622 2007
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

Fav 13 3499 1357
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(214): View more from Texas

MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

(214): View more from Texas

SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

Fav 12 1407 699
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent

Fav 2 14 26
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