we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
