There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
