It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
