I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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