I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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