so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
