Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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