Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it's like iHOP with fire
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
