that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
