Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
