Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize